Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!