Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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Perfection.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool