Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE