Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.