Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.