Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”