Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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Get in loser we’re going crying
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Venn
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.