Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit