Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
North and South
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.