Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I put the p in pants.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
