Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

A recipe for laughter

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Can you solve the riddle??

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.