Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

not to brag, but mine was free

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.