Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
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My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Rt to bother an English speaker
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.