(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Hotels are back
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.