Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Wait a minute…