Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Happy Caturday!

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.