Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My dog learned how to text
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place