Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit