Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
🙋♀️
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing