any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants