Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.