any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁