Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
You deplete me
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.