Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.