Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.