Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–


You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women


My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.


“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”


“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*



Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true


‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’


The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.