Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Hamburger Hinderer.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.