Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

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Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.


Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.


Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE


[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.


If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.


[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane


I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down


Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.


If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4