Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
✨☝️✨
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby