Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter