Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
dril cadence
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Monday Lisa
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.