Any time a child tries to guess my age.
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
