Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Extremely relatable.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me irl
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40