Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Every time.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The old gods are rising again.
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough