Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
You might just have to resign…
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Leftovers are for quitters!
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.