Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
This was a bad idea all around
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
