Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza