Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext