Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.