Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
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After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants