Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.