Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.