Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.