Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face