Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shakes fist at other fist]

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

You’ll be OK

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise