Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Oh no

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

(True)

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

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