Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
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Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?