any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
This is enough internet for the day.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.