any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
early stone age tool
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
You might just have to resign…
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*