any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
i hope my email finds you on fire
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If only
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?