any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.