Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

LOL