Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Hmmmmm
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My first son he is wonderful
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster