Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.