Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Just organising my finances.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
tis the season
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: