Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Now, where’s the sport in that?

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Watson was Holmes schooled

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.