Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Big Sex has us all fooled
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The dark side of Canada
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide