Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

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none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box


My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.


{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.


If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.



So what’s a personal strength?


And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”


A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.


[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case


I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT


Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.


Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another