Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.