I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?
Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.