@donni

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

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@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@lmegordon

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

@Marlebean

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

@crunchenhanced

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

@Cryptoterra

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

@Spaziotwat

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

@ginadivittorio

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another