any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Today’s tshirt
I feel seen
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.