Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.