Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.