Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.