Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

Meow