Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”