Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
You Might Also Like
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister