Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.