Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”