Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.