Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
#ProTip
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
why would tinder want me to say this
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour