Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Born to be mild.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.