Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁