Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
motivation
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home