Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.