Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
They’re not wrong
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
somewhere, in an alternate universe
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.