Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.