Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

🤣

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

*weighs self after shaving

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.