Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.